Probably the number one reason people don’t put themselves out there more to find potential partners is fear of rejection. You want a date, you want a relationship – but you can’t stand the thought of getting hurt in the process of finding them. Your desire for love and connection fades as bad experiences and insecurity take over – and choosing to stay home alone, instead of going out into uncertain and scary dating territory, becomes an easier and easier decision.
People who do this often end up being alone for very long periods – years and decades. They wonder why they never meet anyone, but they simply don’t understand they are the ones sabotaging themselves. There is no gain without pain – and dating is no different in this than any other human activity. You simply can’t shield yourself from every possible hurt because you will be automatically shielding yourself from truly living too. And connection. And love. And all those good things you are craving for.
You cannot succeed in anything if you don’t try. And not just try once or twice and then give up. You have to try until you get what you want. That’s the only magical formula that exists in life, in any human achievement. If you give up, that’s it. You can rely on luck to get you what you want, but that leaves you with nothing but hope. Ask yourself: is passive longing really better than active striving?
If we didn’t fear the outcome of our actions we would all be much more successful in life. So why do we fear so much?
Fear of rejection is essentially fear of disapproval. We all want to be liked and loved, that is one of the most basic human needs. But we can never be liked and loved by everyone we meet. Same as we don’t ever like everyone we meet, right?
GET TO KNOW YOUR FEAR
In order to beat this fear you need to understand it. You need to get to know it, and in a broader sense – get to know yourself. You can do this by examining what exactly you’re afraid of here, and what would really happen if what you fear comes true. Most of our fears are very irrational, and that is because we never attempt to rationally think about them.
So ask yourself: what’s the worst that can happen if I get rejected? Why do I think I have to be liked by everyone? Why do I think I have to be liked by majority? What if I am liked by only a handful of people I meet, is that really bad? What are the real consequences of someone saying ‘no’ to me?
You have to always keep in mind that you only need ONE partner to be in a happy relationship. So if out of 100 people 99 rejects you or you reject them, that is perfectly fine. Because you’ve found your one! And that’s all that matters, really.
But in order to find that one, you might need to go through 10 or 20 or even 100 dates. Is it worth the effort for you? If it isn’t, then maybe you are not that keen to find someone after all.
REJECTION IS HUMAN, WE ALL REJECT – YOU INCLUDED
The pain you feel when you are rejected by someone is the same pain everyone else on the planet feels. We all get rejected. Even the most charming, attractive and beautiful ones. So don’t think about yourself as the only victim of this phenomenon. Look at it as a normal, natural fact of life. Rejection means: I don’t think we are a match. What it doesn’t mean is: you are not good enough for me.
But the problem is, we usually think the latter. We take it too personally. We think that rejection means there is something wrong with us. And that is what truly hurts – the thought that we are unattractive, unworthy, damaged goods. But if you reverse the tables – you will see that you reject others too.
And you do it from the same reasons they do – you simply don’t see a great fit.
FEAR GOES AWAY BY DOING WHAT YOU’RE AFRAID OF
The best way to beat any fear is to face it. Doing the things that scare you makes your fear go away. If you go out on dates or into social situations that scare you, you will gradually get much better at them. You will see other people are just like you, and they are all looking for the same thing – to overcome their loneliness and connect with others.
The more you socialise and meet people, the better you will become at spotting what you truly like and need. You’ll get to know yourself. You’ll get to know others. You might even begin to like it, instead of dreading it.
AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST… LOVE YOURSELF
The only way to completely take away the pain and anxiety of rejection is to truly love, appreciate and respect yourself. When you do that, you will know we are all equally worthy, and you will feel your value and quality so strongly that you’ll never get offended if someone says ‘no’ to you.
In fact, you will be glad they did it, because you’ll know that whoever doesn’t like you, clearly isn’t a good match for you. You’d find that out yourself sooner or later, but by rejecting you from the start, they are actually saving you time and effort.
Whenever you get rejected, think about it as being one step closer to your goal.
The people we admire for their great achievements had to fail many times before they succeeded, only we don’t know about that part because we only see where they are now. They had different paths to success, and yours will certainly different too. But the one thing they all share is: they kept trying until they succeeded.
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK
I know rejection is a big and common topic and I’d love to hear what you think.
I am sure you had some experience with it, so don’t be shy – share it with me and the lovely supportive community that reads and comments here. Thank you!
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